SAHM

Yeah, it can be great, the fact that I was there for all of the firsts of all the boys, when there is a moment I get to actually sit down on the picnic table and watch the two littles play in the sand while the warm sun shines down, it's bliss, but really come on, I don't know what set me off, but I"m pretty pissed, like a switch, on the rampage...

So if you didn't know, because it doesn't seem like there are a lot of us left, here is what's shitty about being a Stay at home mom...

first off - there is NEVER a break, there are no back up babysitters or anything, no outings or date nights ever, you expend all of your babysitting opportunities with grandparents for school functions where no siblings allowed applies, or parent teacher conferences - regular appointments, grocery shopping, anything else doesn't apply, I always have at least one child with me at all times, sometimes it's easy and uneventful, mostly it's a royal exhausting pain in the ass to do anything.  We're definitely memorable and make scenes.

Everyone relies on mommy for everything.  No one knows how to put dirty laundry away, even daddy doesn't know how to put clean or dirty clothes away.  No one else cooks, no one else cleans, I pretty much always take out the garbage.  No one else does laundry.  No one else puts clean or dirty dishes away.  I cook every single night multiple meals because fast food is a major treat, why spend $30 or more on one meal when I can make one for under $10.  I then have to put the dinner away, dirty dishes away, so let me bitch again, no only do I walk around the house collecting random socks, pants, undies, then I collect multiple cups and plates and bits of food all of the time.

Being a stay at home mom pretty much means you are a slave to everyone else's lives.  I have run errands for everyone else every single day of the week this year.  But if I want to run for my own enjoyment, it's a big deal.  If I do leave to go shopping or wherever, if I leave alone, when I come back, nothing was done, no kids were fed, no dishes picked up, so when I come back, I basically have to take off like a tornado doing all of the things that didn't get done when I was gone, so then I'm even more miserable than before I left.

I have to clean up everyone else's piss all over the bathroom.  All. the. time.

I feel like I'm getting buried in my home.  Stranded here in the clutter of toys, food, clothes.  And only I will make the attempt over and over to fix it all again and again.

The second I clear a table, someone thinks it's the perfect place to put shit.  Toys, papers, tools, random bits of junk, a scale that doesn't work...every one of them do it, God forbid a clean and clear space stays that way.

I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it.  Let this place turn into a pig sty because I"m sick of being the ONLY one here trying to keep shit straight!

It would be so much easier with some kind of help.  I hear stories of working parents going out on date nights together - after being out of the home all week!  Of hiring cleaning crews to do their housework!  I see multiple grandparents picking up kids at preschool who are eager to send the kids to kindergarten so their work is done!  What the fuck! Fuck!  I hear stories of Friday night take out because - "I'm not cooking on Friday night!"  I see a mother escorted with a grandparent to help wrangle kids at public places!  The only time Daddy is with us, is if we make a day trip to the zoo on a weekend or something.  Then he helps me chase the toddler.  But really, doctor appointments, speech services, WIC appointments, grocery shopping, etc, all done alone and outnumbered.  I guess it's what I signed up for with having 4 kids and choosing to stay home.  What I didn't take into account was the fact that I'd have to do everything else alone on top of it.  That since I'm not making an income, I take all of the responsibility of home.  The finances, the housework.  I get so sick of it.  It never ends and there are no breaks at all.  Ever.

Stages of Parenthood

While cooking breakfast this morning after getting woken up at almost 7am, with a wide grinning, tumbling, butt in my face, hit the ground running toddler, I was contemplating just how much perspective and experience has changed me as a person, as a mother, and how I tackle this thing called parenthood.

First baby mindset -
you are going to eat the food I give you
let's wash those hands the second they are dirty, going through a million wipes
any mess is a big deal, child is being naughty
even though the kid sleeps all night long after 4 months, and takes long naps, you think he's so terrible and you are SO exhausted
you are going to fit into my life
outings are pretty much the same except you try to work them around nap schedule
and there is a strict schedule, you even write it down the first few months
attempt potty training at 2 years old, does NOT go well wtf?

Second baby -
blows any expectations out the window
you are wild! I can't do this! You must have Autism! 
baby does not sleep through night for a year and a half!
We do not go out in social situations for 2 years.

Third baby -
the third one shouldn't be THIS needy!
what did I do?! 2 were so easy!
oh he's so sweet, look at the flowers, dig up some worms, swing as high as you can
hold him close, they grow so so fast
take 3 shopping, feel like super woman, yeah people look all you want, I got this!

Fourth baby -

MY baby, oh I love you so much, stay this little forever
oh my God I'm exhausted, I can't do this!
oh you are soooo CUTE, I could EAT you up!
I can't do this, I'm getting old!  too old to keep up!
naps are a luxury usually tempted in a good old car ride
there is no mess great enough that a simple bath won't fix, the floor covered in paint - it needed a good mop anyway
baby only gets dressed to leave the house
lays in sandbox on his belly
eats catfood and dog treats quite often, oh well, can't hurt him right?!
I fit into their life, their life is my life
my baby is growing and will go to school-what then? who am I?

3-29-16

A Summary of where we're at, I say I like babies, but it is pretty awesome to just stand out waiting for the bus with my two oldest, and listen to what they want to tell me, that beats any baby snuggles any day.

AJ eats burgers for breakfast, sitting on a couch he decorated with duck patterned duct tape, with a mini terrarium in the window sill, with his fresh giant broccoli crown hidden under his pillow, clad in his usual long sleeve John Deere tractor shirt and sweatpants.

EJP requires constant sensory input, making me think his system is under sensitive. He is always moving, running, biting blankets, hands full of stretchy lizards and snakes.  He has a hard time settling down to sleep at night, wiggling all over.

JJ takes his favorite little bunny he just got for Easter, it fits perfectly into his hand, to school and was so happy his teacher let him carry it around.  Today his choice was his favorite 2 trucks to take, a little rescue squad Mater and a big sized Pulaski.  He has carried these cars around for years stuck between his fingers and has always had a love for small stuffed animals.  JJ loves babies and wants a baby sister he begs for about every other day, would love to adopt one!

ST likes to talk to me.  Telling me about dreams he's had, tricks he's learned, showing me skills he has, homes he's built in Minecraft.  He likes to have someone listen.  He loves watching YouTube videos, his new minecraft story mode game, he likes to build things like a little money making trick, he's pretty great at beat boxing, those cheeks and luscious lips come in handy for lots of different sounds!  He always hugs his Gramma goodbye after a visit.

Slice of Heaven

It has been a long time I think since I've thought to blog, not that there isn't great and memorable things to document each and every day, it's just that those moments are fleeting and pass me by quicker than I can absorb them half the time, and the days blur together more often than not.

I figured it was time for some positivity, being that a local toddler was found murdered by her own father....

I cannot stress it enough, these kids are my soul, I see heaven in them, especially when they sleep.  I've been pushed beyond my limits as a parent, but never could I harm the people who define me.  That is my one job as a parent, to keep them safe.  If I fail that, I die.  Summer when JJ broke his arm, that was horrific as a parent, to have that happen and not be able to fix it.

So just yesterday was filled with treasures, as I lit my remembrance candle last night for the slain toddler, I lit 4 wicks for my 4 hearts that beat on as that little baby should have.

We had a big event happen - JJ got his first friend phone call.
ST has had his first phone conversation in which he hides in my bedroom and I peek in to see him merrily chatting away while mindlessly frollicing around on my bed, but JJ getting a phone call - it's an odd thing as a parent, like, how did we get here, aren't they still babies, are we on the verge of teenagers already!

EJP has significant speech delay so he had his first therapy yesterday, in which he cried and threw toys as we left, he liked it that much and didn't want to be done, but last night he comes up to me and the question hit me seconds after he uttered it - "Where's cup?"  It's like my brain couldn't process actual crystal clear words.  That works, found that cup speedy quick I did.

AJ cracks me up on a daily basis, drives me absolutely bonkers, but can be so funny.  I told him thank you for doing something and he shoots back - "You're welcome dontcha know."

He's taken a keen interest in academics just this last week since he started nailing writing his name, confidence is starting to grow and last night he initiated a game everyone started playing - he started saying 'Ca Ca Ca....cup!'  Matching words to their sounds!  I was shocked, he was struggling quite a bit - 'Ca Ca Ca....Ladder!  Ca Ca Ca...train!'  I kept redirecting and clarifying sounds. By the end he was saying "Ca Ca Ca...Santa Claus.  Ca Ca Ca piston cup!  Ca Ca Clock! Ca Ca train track!' So proud.  He's getting it.  He's excited to learn for the first time.  I'm excited.  The other day doing his homework writing his name he tells me - "I'm on it!"  You sure are.



JJ likes dealing with time.  He likes to countdown to everything.  AJ's birthday party a couple of weeks ago, days until Spring, days until Easter, days until 100 days at school, friend's birthday parties, until his own birthday.  If something gets close, we get a big 'Yay' - I love how he makes a celebration of it.

Last night, I was eager to have EJP climb into bed.  Nothing more peaceful - if he's not flopping around or poking my eyeballs!  He snuggled right in, biting the blankets and wiggling.  Lately we've been reviewing his body parts as part of the calming down process.  He loves that more than Twinkle twinkle  little star - that is hit or miss - he'll either try to sing along or slap my face to stop!  So we review head, eyes, ears, mouth, tongue, nose, feet, belly.  Add knees that he doesn't know yet.  He's all smiles, nestles his head right up against me so tight it almost hurts.  I'm good with it.


Blessed.  Thankful. 

National Daughter's Day

I figure today warrants it's own blog post.

Daughter's Day.

I bet it feels like Mother's Day to a woman who is unable to bear children and laments over it, or a mother who has lost a child.  Maybe not that bad.  Most likely not that bad.

It's easy to fall into self pity.

But I am a mother.  To 4 healthy and most beautiful boys to ever grace this world.

I am a daughter.  I hope I am the kind of daughter that helps my mother missing her own mother.  The kind of relationship that is the foundation for both of us to draw our inner strength from.

I will always feel as if I am or will be the mother to a daughter.  Maybe I will be, or will be the best MIL ever.   Being a mother to sons, it's its own kind of special, and maybe not that different mothering a daughter as well, maybe I'm the only one who makes that distinction in my mind.

I have been struggling recently with the notion of no more babies added to our family.  I feel I'm at my limit of physical and emotional capabilities in balancing the 4 boys, yet feel as if one more has to be.  I'm also left wondering if a fifth is a boy, if I'll still always feel as if one more needs to be.  So this is where I'm at.  At the verge of moving on, yet don't feel ready to.  Stagnant, and if I have time to dwell on it, it can consume me yet again.

So I take this day, not to lament, but to rejoice in the female relationships I am blessed with in my life. 

My mother, the glue that holds me together. 

My SILs I've been blessed with. 

One  who I call on practically a daily basis now that I have the free time to do so, who gets where I'm at because we're both in the same stage. 

One who has been there for us in some of our most urgently needed times.  Both were in our wedding, both are godmothers to at least one of the boys.

My MIL who is about the best MIL anyone could ask for, regardless of her overly invasive cleaning tendencies, I'm even at the point of asking for 'Mom' when my FIL answers their phone, not that I can directly call it to her face, but she's as close as.

My BFF since high school.  I can shoot her a message any time of day and she is one of the most caring people I've known.  Regardless of the situation or emotions, she's been the wind beneath my wings when I'm falling at times.  Also one of the boys' godmother.

It's these woman in my life who make me realize I'm not alone and never will be regardless of how many boys enter my life, they are there to balance it out, and today I celebrate them.

We Survived

Little lump went to preschool today for the first time.

He had fully prepped me that he was going to cry and watch me leave him behind.

Which is what happened.

He surprised me, he ate his breakfast while telling me he didn't want to go, got dressed somewhat willingly while telling me he would miss me, got in the car saying he didn't want to go.  He crossed the road with me and walked by himself carrying his show and tell choice - his treasure chest full of piratey things.  He went down the steps and up the ramp to the front door. I had imagined this scenario differently, as in trying to drag AJ and EJP to the school, gladly this wasn't the case.  He went right in.

He would not pick out his name key necklace or let the sweet old lady of a teacher put it on him, so I put it on him.  He wouldn't pack away his bag in his cubby either, I had to.  He did, however, run right off to play with the awesome toys, first to the wooden train set and whole bin of trains, to a barn, to mega blocks, foam blocks, found a huge plastic green tractor and wagon, back to the blocks.  Then had to pee, so we went and found the bathroom yet he couldn't go. 

Then it was about time for me to leave him behind.  He teared up and was wiping his eyes, following me away.  I played with the blocks with him for a second, but knew it best not to linger. 

I pointed out the teacher to him and explained she would stay and take care of him.  She saw my approach and left the group of parents she was talking to and came over to him.  I told her I was just going to do it and I walked away.  He started to follow crying and she led him away.  I didn't look back.

Suckiest thing ever to do as a parent thus far.  It goes against the parenting instinct to fix your child when they are upset.

I went home feeling like a jerk and imagined him crying and beside himself the whole time.

I get back there early and wait at the top of the stairs listening through the closed door. They are all a-chatter but I know not one of those is mine.  I think I hear crying.  Awful suspense waiting outside that door, I want him to see my face immediately to have the relief that I'm there.

So out they came in a line, and I see him, he sees me, comes up the stairs and waits with the group, but telling me he didn't know I was there that he didn't hear me come.  He looks fine.  Blends right in with the rest.  Not crying.  Relief!

Then the teacher tells me - after the kids are gone, I need a word with you, it was a long day...

Oh gawd, what. I figured...

She just informs me that he and another boy cried the most, but not too much.  That he didn't want to pick up when free play was over so he got put in the time out chair, but that he was happy in the time out chair to watch everyone and get a feel for his surroundings away from it all.  She kept asking him if he was ready to come out of time out and he kept saying no.  But did fine the rest of the day, apart from the fact that he did not want to share his item during show and tell, which doesn't surprise me at all.  He was attentive, listened, and wasn't disruptive at all.  She says, 'he'll get it'

Now that is a relief.  That is nothing compared to how I imagined it would go.  And it is definite reinforcement to me that this is the school and program he was meant to attend.  That the teacher singled me out to let me know how he did that specifically about his day and that he did that well on day 1, this is the right path.

Whew!!! WHEW!

We made it, we survived.

Day 1!

I asked if he liked it, he said 'yes!' I asked, not thinking, if he wants to go again - 'No'

:P

He gave me a nice tight squeeze and told me he missed me.  Gosh I'm so happy for my little lump.  He did it!

First Day Jitters

I'll just start this post by stating the obvious...ST is a worrier.  In fact, we read the book 'Wemberly Worried' the night before the first day of school.  It may as well be a book about him. 

Worrying if he'll forget where his classroom is, mind you, we just visited to drop off supplies 4 days before the first day so he wouldn't worry. 
Worried he'd be on a different bus. 
Worried that he'd have gym the first day and they would do 'karaoke' that he couldn't keep up with.
Does JJ's sneakers need batteries?
Listing specifically what he wants for lunch.
Rehearsing the directions to his classroom.
Reminding JJ that he's in a different school.
Worried that I wouldn't remember to get them off the bus.

His stomach was in knots and he was doubled over as the bus appeared.  He told JJ that he was lucky since he's just excited and not worried.

And JJ was.  All smiles, first to get dressed, exclaiming "I'm going to make new friends!" Running to board the bus.

AJ who doesn't start preschool for a few days - which will warrant it's own post I bet - was busy chasing a chipmunk and flicking at his toy rubber bat he hung on the lamppost, which was good because it helped distract ST from worrying - brothers come in handy sometimes.  And EJP just wanted to keep wandering toward the road.

When ST was worried I wouldn't remember to be out at the end of our driveway waiting for him upon returning home, I explained it to him like this...
each of the boys is a piece of my heart, so four pieces.  So him and JJ are half of my heart, now how could I forget when I'm waiting for half of my heart to come back to me.

That he understood and told me that me and Daddy are his 2 halves of his heart.

I teared up watching the bus drive away, with half of my heart sitting inside.