This blog is dying like the last one, I'm going to try better and make every Saturday, sit down and blog day.
Lots of things are happening daily, AJ just finished preschool and graduated. Watching him do all of the finger plays and songs they had learned all year, march up and get his diploma, sooooo worth all of the morning fights to get ready, rushing back and forth every other day to transport him, all the financial burden of affording it, all was worth it to see how far he's come. And within just a few days, he tells me, "Mommy, I miss my class." and wanting to show his teacher his tadpoles we collected to observe.
AJ is adorable and maddening every day. Whine and fight me every day over everything, but yet, say the sweetest things like 'I'm going to pick you buttercups, because you love buttercups, and you'll give me a hug. Butterflies love buttercups too."
Also, he's a curious boy. We had a pretty short conversation on a car ride home of bad words to say, so here I am, saying all of the curse words I DON't want him to say, just so that he knows what NOT to say. If I don't tell him, he's not understanding that they are bad. So now he says, "Mommy, is F*CK a bad word?" I say 'yes, we went over this, it's bad"..."I whispered it..."
We welcomed a kitten into our family a few weeks ago and EJP is enamored with him, hoisting him up and smooshing him against his face like a little stuffed animal. Makes me cringe and melt at the same time.
...to be continued...didn't get the chance to sit and finish this, see how sitting down goes for me...
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
SAHM
Yeah, it can be great, the fact that I was there for all of the firsts of all the boys, when there is a moment I get to actually sit down on the picnic table and watch the two littles play in the sand while the warm sun shines down, it's bliss, but really come on, I don't know what set me off, but I"m pretty pissed, like a switch, on the rampage...
So if you didn't know, because it doesn't seem like there are a lot of us left, here is what's shitty about being a Stay at home mom...
first off - there is NEVER a break, there are no back up babysitters or anything, no outings or date nights ever, you expend all of your babysitting opportunities with grandparents for school functions where no siblings allowed applies, or parent teacher conferences - regular appointments, grocery shopping, anything else doesn't apply, I always have at least one child with me at all times, sometimes it's easy and uneventful, mostly it's a royal exhausting pain in the ass to do anything. We're definitely memorable and make scenes.
Everyone relies on mommy for everything. No one knows how to put dirty laundry away, even daddy doesn't know how to put clean or dirty clothes away. No one else cooks, no one else cleans, I pretty much always take out the garbage. No one else does laundry. No one else puts clean or dirty dishes away. I cook every single night multiple meals because fast food is a major treat, why spend $30 or more on one meal when I can make one for under $10. I then have to put the dinner away, dirty dishes away, so let me bitch again, no only do I walk around the house collecting random socks, pants, undies, then I collect multiple cups and plates and bits of food all of the time.
Being a stay at home mom pretty much means you are a slave to everyone else's lives. I have run errands for everyone else every single day of the week this year. But if I want to run for my own enjoyment, it's a big deal. If I do leave to go shopping or wherever, if I leave alone, when I come back, nothing was done, no kids were fed, no dishes picked up, so when I come back, I basically have to take off like a tornado doing all of the things that didn't get done when I was gone, so then I'm even more miserable than before I left.
I have to clean up everyone else's piss all over the bathroom. All. the. time.
I feel like I'm getting buried in my home. Stranded here in the clutter of toys, food, clothes. And only I will make the attempt over and over to fix it all again and again.
The second I clear a table, someone thinks it's the perfect place to put shit. Toys, papers, tools, random bits of junk, a scale that doesn't work...every one of them do it, God forbid a clean and clear space stays that way.
I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it. Let this place turn into a pig sty because I"m sick of being the ONLY one here trying to keep shit straight!
It would be so much easier with some kind of help. I hear stories of working parents going out on date nights together - after being out of the home all week! Of hiring cleaning crews to do their housework! I see multiple grandparents picking up kids at preschool who are eager to send the kids to kindergarten so their work is done! What the fuck! Fuck! I hear stories of Friday night take out because - "I'm not cooking on Friday night!" I see a mother escorted with a grandparent to help wrangle kids at public places! The only time Daddy is with us, is if we make a day trip to the zoo on a weekend or something. Then he helps me chase the toddler. But really, doctor appointments, speech services, WIC appointments, grocery shopping, etc, all done alone and outnumbered. I guess it's what I signed up for with having 4 kids and choosing to stay home. What I didn't take into account was the fact that I'd have to do everything else alone on top of it. That since I'm not making an income, I take all of the responsibility of home. The finances, the housework. I get so sick of it. It never ends and there are no breaks at all. Ever.
So if you didn't know, because it doesn't seem like there are a lot of us left, here is what's shitty about being a Stay at home mom...
first off - there is NEVER a break, there are no back up babysitters or anything, no outings or date nights ever, you expend all of your babysitting opportunities with grandparents for school functions where no siblings allowed applies, or parent teacher conferences - regular appointments, grocery shopping, anything else doesn't apply, I always have at least one child with me at all times, sometimes it's easy and uneventful, mostly it's a royal exhausting pain in the ass to do anything. We're definitely memorable and make scenes.
Everyone relies on mommy for everything. No one knows how to put dirty laundry away, even daddy doesn't know how to put clean or dirty clothes away. No one else cooks, no one else cleans, I pretty much always take out the garbage. No one else does laundry. No one else puts clean or dirty dishes away. I cook every single night multiple meals because fast food is a major treat, why spend $30 or more on one meal when I can make one for under $10. I then have to put the dinner away, dirty dishes away, so let me bitch again, no only do I walk around the house collecting random socks, pants, undies, then I collect multiple cups and plates and bits of food all of the time.
Being a stay at home mom pretty much means you are a slave to everyone else's lives. I have run errands for everyone else every single day of the week this year. But if I want to run for my own enjoyment, it's a big deal. If I do leave to go shopping or wherever, if I leave alone, when I come back, nothing was done, no kids were fed, no dishes picked up, so when I come back, I basically have to take off like a tornado doing all of the things that didn't get done when I was gone, so then I'm even more miserable than before I left.
I have to clean up everyone else's piss all over the bathroom. All. the. time.
I feel like I'm getting buried in my home. Stranded here in the clutter of toys, food, clothes. And only I will make the attempt over and over to fix it all again and again.
The second I clear a table, someone thinks it's the perfect place to put shit. Toys, papers, tools, random bits of junk, a scale that doesn't work...every one of them do it, God forbid a clean and clear space stays that way.
I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air and say fuck it. Let this place turn into a pig sty because I"m sick of being the ONLY one here trying to keep shit straight!
It would be so much easier with some kind of help. I hear stories of working parents going out on date nights together - after being out of the home all week! Of hiring cleaning crews to do their housework! I see multiple grandparents picking up kids at preschool who are eager to send the kids to kindergarten so their work is done! What the fuck! Fuck! I hear stories of Friday night take out because - "I'm not cooking on Friday night!" I see a mother escorted with a grandparent to help wrangle kids at public places! The only time Daddy is with us, is if we make a day trip to the zoo on a weekend or something. Then he helps me chase the toddler. But really, doctor appointments, speech services, WIC appointments, grocery shopping, etc, all done alone and outnumbered. I guess it's what I signed up for with having 4 kids and choosing to stay home. What I didn't take into account was the fact that I'd have to do everything else alone on top of it. That since I'm not making an income, I take all of the responsibility of home. The finances, the housework. I get so sick of it. It never ends and there are no breaks at all. Ever.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Stages of Parenthood
While cooking breakfast this morning after getting woken up at almost 7am, with a wide grinning, tumbling, butt in my face, hit the ground running toddler, I was contemplating just how much perspective and experience has changed me as a person, as a mother, and how I tackle this thing called parenthood.
First baby mindset -
you are going to eat the food I give you
let's wash those hands the second they are dirty, going through a million wipes
any mess is a big deal, child is being naughty
even though the kid sleeps all night long after 4 months, and takes long naps, you think he's so terrible and you are SO exhausted
you are going to fit into my life
outings are pretty much the same except you try to work them around nap schedule
and there is a strict schedule, you even write it down the first few months
attempt potty training at 2 years old, does NOT go well wtf?
Second baby -
blows any expectations out the window
you are wild! I can't do this! You must have Autism!
baby does not sleep through night for a year and a half!
We do not go out in social situations for 2 years.
Third baby -
the third one shouldn't be THIS needy!
what did I do?! 2 were so easy!
oh he's so sweet, look at the flowers, dig up some worms, swing as high as you can
hold him close, they grow so so fast
take 3 shopping, feel like super woman, yeah people look all you want, I got this!
Fourth baby -
MY baby, oh I love you so much, stay this little forever
oh my God I'm exhausted, I can't do this!
oh you are soooo CUTE, I could EAT you up!
I can't do this, I'm getting old! too old to keep up!
naps are a luxury usually tempted in a good old car ride
there is no mess great enough that a simple bath won't fix, the floor covered in paint - it needed a good mop anyway
baby only gets dressed to leave the house
lays in sandbox on his belly
eats catfood and dog treats quite often, oh well, can't hurt him right?!
I fit into their life, their life is my life
my baby is growing and will go to school-what then? who am I?
First baby mindset -
you are going to eat the food I give you
let's wash those hands the second they are dirty, going through a million wipes
any mess is a big deal, child is being naughty
even though the kid sleeps all night long after 4 months, and takes long naps, you think he's so terrible and you are SO exhausted
you are going to fit into my life
outings are pretty much the same except you try to work them around nap schedule
and there is a strict schedule, you even write it down the first few months
attempt potty training at 2 years old, does NOT go well wtf?
Second baby -
blows any expectations out the window
you are wild! I can't do this! You must have Autism!
baby does not sleep through night for a year and a half!
We do not go out in social situations for 2 years.
Third baby -
the third one shouldn't be THIS needy!
what did I do?! 2 were so easy!
oh he's so sweet, look at the flowers, dig up some worms, swing as high as you can
hold him close, they grow so so fast
take 3 shopping, feel like super woman, yeah people look all you want, I got this!
Fourth baby -
MY baby, oh I love you so much, stay this little forever
oh my God I'm exhausted, I can't do this!
oh you are soooo CUTE, I could EAT you up!
I can't do this, I'm getting old! too old to keep up!
naps are a luxury usually tempted in a good old car ride
there is no mess great enough that a simple bath won't fix, the floor covered in paint - it needed a good mop anyway
baby only gets dressed to leave the house
lays in sandbox on his belly
eats catfood and dog treats quite often, oh well, can't hurt him right?!
I fit into their life, their life is my life
my baby is growing and will go to school-what then? who am I?
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
3-29-16
A Summary of where we're at, I say I like babies, but it is pretty awesome to just stand out waiting for the bus with my two oldest, and listen to what they want to tell me, that beats any baby snuggles any day.
AJ eats burgers for breakfast, sitting on a couch he decorated with duck patterned duct tape, with a mini terrarium in the window sill, with his fresh giant broccoli crown hidden under his pillow, clad in his usual long sleeve John Deere tractor shirt and sweatpants.
EJP requires constant sensory input, making me think his system is under sensitive. He is always moving, running, biting blankets, hands full of stretchy lizards and snakes. He has a hard time settling down to sleep at night, wiggling all over.
JJ takes his favorite little bunny he just got for Easter, it fits perfectly into his hand, to school and was so happy his teacher let him carry it around. Today his choice was his favorite 2 trucks to take, a little rescue squad Mater and a big sized Pulaski. He has carried these cars around for years stuck between his fingers and has always had a love for small stuffed animals. JJ loves babies and wants a baby sister he begs for about every other day, would love to adopt one!
ST likes to talk to me. Telling me about dreams he's had, tricks he's learned, showing me skills he has, homes he's built in Minecraft. He likes to have someone listen. He loves watching YouTube videos, his new minecraft story mode game, he likes to build things like a little money making trick, he's pretty great at beat boxing, those cheeks and luscious lips come in handy for lots of different sounds! He always hugs his Gramma goodbye after a visit.
AJ eats burgers for breakfast, sitting on a couch he decorated with duck patterned duct tape, with a mini terrarium in the window sill, with his fresh giant broccoli crown hidden under his pillow, clad in his usual long sleeve John Deere tractor shirt and sweatpants.
EJP requires constant sensory input, making me think his system is under sensitive. He is always moving, running, biting blankets, hands full of stretchy lizards and snakes. He has a hard time settling down to sleep at night, wiggling all over.
JJ takes his favorite little bunny he just got for Easter, it fits perfectly into his hand, to school and was so happy his teacher let him carry it around. Today his choice was his favorite 2 trucks to take, a little rescue squad Mater and a big sized Pulaski. He has carried these cars around for years stuck between his fingers and has always had a love for small stuffed animals. JJ loves babies and wants a baby sister he begs for about every other day, would love to adopt one!
ST likes to talk to me. Telling me about dreams he's had, tricks he's learned, showing me skills he has, homes he's built in Minecraft. He likes to have someone listen. He loves watching YouTube videos, his new minecraft story mode game, he likes to build things like a little money making trick, he's pretty great at beat boxing, those cheeks and luscious lips come in handy for lots of different sounds! He always hugs his Gramma goodbye after a visit.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Slice of Heaven
It has been a long time I think since I've thought to blog, not that there isn't great and memorable things to document each and every day, it's just that those moments are fleeting and pass me by quicker than I can absorb them half the time, and the days blur together more often than not.
I figured it was time for some positivity, being that a local toddler was found murdered by her own father....
I cannot stress it enough, these kids are my soul, I see heaven in them, especially when they sleep. I've been pushed beyond my limits as a parent, but never could I harm the people who define me. That is my one job as a parent, to keep them safe. If I fail that, I die. Summer when JJ broke his arm, that was horrific as a parent, to have that happen and not be able to fix it.
So just yesterday was filled with treasures, as I lit my remembrance candle last night for the slain toddler, I lit 4 wicks for my 4 hearts that beat on as that little baby should have.
We had a big event happen - JJ got his first friend phone call.
ST has had his first phone conversation in which he hides in my bedroom and I peek in to see him merrily chatting away while mindlessly frollicing around on my bed, but JJ getting a phone call - it's an odd thing as a parent, like, how did we get here, aren't they still babies, are we on the verge of teenagers already!
EJP has significant speech delay so he had his first therapy yesterday, in which he cried and threw toys as we left, he liked it that much and didn't want to be done, but last night he comes up to me and the question hit me seconds after he uttered it - "Where's cup?" It's like my brain couldn't process actual crystal clear words. That works, found that cup speedy quick I did.
AJ cracks me up on a daily basis, drives me absolutely bonkers, but can be so funny. I told him thank you for doing something and he shoots back - "You're welcome dontcha know."
He's taken a keen interest in academics just this last week since he started nailing writing his name, confidence is starting to grow and last night he initiated a game everyone started playing - he started saying 'Ca Ca Ca....cup!' Matching words to their sounds! I was shocked, he was struggling quite a bit - 'Ca Ca Ca....Ladder! Ca Ca Ca...train!' I kept redirecting and clarifying sounds. By the end he was saying "Ca Ca Ca...Santa Claus. Ca Ca Ca piston cup! Ca Ca Clock! Ca Ca train track!' So proud. He's getting it. He's excited to learn for the first time. I'm excited. The other day doing his homework writing his name he tells me - "I'm on it!" You sure are.
JJ likes dealing with time. He likes to countdown to everything. AJ's birthday party a couple of weeks ago, days until Spring, days until Easter, days until 100 days at school, friend's birthday parties, until his own birthday. If something gets close, we get a big 'Yay' - I love how he makes a celebration of it.
Last night, I was eager to have EJP climb into bed. Nothing more peaceful - if he's not flopping around or poking my eyeballs! He snuggled right in, biting the blankets and wiggling. Lately we've been reviewing his body parts as part of the calming down process. He loves that more than Twinkle twinkle little star - that is hit or miss - he'll either try to sing along or slap my face to stop! So we review head, eyes, ears, mouth, tongue, nose, feet, belly. Add knees that he doesn't know yet. He's all smiles, nestles his head right up against me so tight it almost hurts. I'm good with it.
Blessed. Thankful.
I figured it was time for some positivity, being that a local toddler was found murdered by her own father....
I cannot stress it enough, these kids are my soul, I see heaven in them, especially when they sleep. I've been pushed beyond my limits as a parent, but never could I harm the people who define me. That is my one job as a parent, to keep them safe. If I fail that, I die. Summer when JJ broke his arm, that was horrific as a parent, to have that happen and not be able to fix it.
So just yesterday was filled with treasures, as I lit my remembrance candle last night for the slain toddler, I lit 4 wicks for my 4 hearts that beat on as that little baby should have.
We had a big event happen - JJ got his first friend phone call.
ST has had his first phone conversation in which he hides in my bedroom and I peek in to see him merrily chatting away while mindlessly frollicing around on my bed, but JJ getting a phone call - it's an odd thing as a parent, like, how did we get here, aren't they still babies, are we on the verge of teenagers already!
EJP has significant speech delay so he had his first therapy yesterday, in which he cried and threw toys as we left, he liked it that much and didn't want to be done, but last night he comes up to me and the question hit me seconds after he uttered it - "Where's cup?" It's like my brain couldn't process actual crystal clear words. That works, found that cup speedy quick I did.
AJ cracks me up on a daily basis, drives me absolutely bonkers, but can be so funny. I told him thank you for doing something and he shoots back - "You're welcome dontcha know."
He's taken a keen interest in academics just this last week since he started nailing writing his name, confidence is starting to grow and last night he initiated a game everyone started playing - he started saying 'Ca Ca Ca....cup!' Matching words to their sounds! I was shocked, he was struggling quite a bit - 'Ca Ca Ca....Ladder! Ca Ca Ca...train!' I kept redirecting and clarifying sounds. By the end he was saying "Ca Ca Ca...Santa Claus. Ca Ca Ca piston cup! Ca Ca Clock! Ca Ca train track!' So proud. He's getting it. He's excited to learn for the first time. I'm excited. The other day doing his homework writing his name he tells me - "I'm on it!" You sure are.
JJ likes dealing with time. He likes to countdown to everything. AJ's birthday party a couple of weeks ago, days until Spring, days until Easter, days until 100 days at school, friend's birthday parties, until his own birthday. If something gets close, we get a big 'Yay' - I love how he makes a celebration of it.
Last night, I was eager to have EJP climb into bed. Nothing more peaceful - if he's not flopping around or poking my eyeballs! He snuggled right in, biting the blankets and wiggling. Lately we've been reviewing his body parts as part of the calming down process. He loves that more than Twinkle twinkle little star - that is hit or miss - he'll either try to sing along or slap my face to stop! So we review head, eyes, ears, mouth, tongue, nose, feet, belly. Add knees that he doesn't know yet. He's all smiles, nestles his head right up against me so tight it almost hurts. I'm good with it.
Blessed. Thankful.
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