Slice of Heaven

It has been a long time I think since I've thought to blog, not that there isn't great and memorable things to document each and every day, it's just that those moments are fleeting and pass me by quicker than I can absorb them half the time, and the days blur together more often than not.

I figured it was time for some positivity, being that a local toddler was found murdered by her own father....

I cannot stress it enough, these kids are my soul, I see heaven in them, especially when they sleep.  I've been pushed beyond my limits as a parent, but never could I harm the people who define me.  That is my one job as a parent, to keep them safe.  If I fail that, I die.  Summer when JJ broke his arm, that was horrific as a parent, to have that happen and not be able to fix it.

So just yesterday was filled with treasures, as I lit my remembrance candle last night for the slain toddler, I lit 4 wicks for my 4 hearts that beat on as that little baby should have.

We had a big event happen - JJ got his first friend phone call.
ST has had his first phone conversation in which he hides in my bedroom and I peek in to see him merrily chatting away while mindlessly frollicing around on my bed, but JJ getting a phone call - it's an odd thing as a parent, like, how did we get here, aren't they still babies, are we on the verge of teenagers already!

EJP has significant speech delay so he had his first therapy yesterday, in which he cried and threw toys as we left, he liked it that much and didn't want to be done, but last night he comes up to me and the question hit me seconds after he uttered it - "Where's cup?"  It's like my brain couldn't process actual crystal clear words.  That works, found that cup speedy quick I did.

AJ cracks me up on a daily basis, drives me absolutely bonkers, but can be so funny.  I told him thank you for doing something and he shoots back - "You're welcome dontcha know."

He's taken a keen interest in academics just this last week since he started nailing writing his name, confidence is starting to grow and last night he initiated a game everyone started playing - he started saying 'Ca Ca Ca....cup!'  Matching words to their sounds!  I was shocked, he was struggling quite a bit - 'Ca Ca Ca....Ladder!  Ca Ca Ca...train!'  I kept redirecting and clarifying sounds. By the end he was saying "Ca Ca Ca...Santa Claus.  Ca Ca Ca piston cup!  Ca Ca Clock! Ca Ca train track!' So proud.  He's getting it.  He's excited to learn for the first time.  I'm excited.  The other day doing his homework writing his name he tells me - "I'm on it!"  You sure are.



JJ likes dealing with time.  He likes to countdown to everything.  AJ's birthday party a couple of weeks ago, days until Spring, days until Easter, days until 100 days at school, friend's birthday parties, until his own birthday.  If something gets close, we get a big 'Yay' - I love how he makes a celebration of it.

Last night, I was eager to have EJP climb into bed.  Nothing more peaceful - if he's not flopping around or poking my eyeballs!  He snuggled right in, biting the blankets and wiggling.  Lately we've been reviewing his body parts as part of the calming down process.  He loves that more than Twinkle twinkle  little star - that is hit or miss - he'll either try to sing along or slap my face to stop!  So we review head, eyes, ears, mouth, tongue, nose, feet, belly.  Add knees that he doesn't know yet.  He's all smiles, nestles his head right up against me so tight it almost hurts.  I'm good with it.


Blessed.  Thankful. 

National Daughter's Day

I figure today warrants it's own blog post.

Daughter's Day.

I bet it feels like Mother's Day to a woman who is unable to bear children and laments over it, or a mother who has lost a child.  Maybe not that bad.  Most likely not that bad.

It's easy to fall into self pity.

But I am a mother.  To 4 healthy and most beautiful boys to ever grace this world.

I am a daughter.  I hope I am the kind of daughter that helps my mother missing her own mother.  The kind of relationship that is the foundation for both of us to draw our inner strength from.

I will always feel as if I am or will be the mother to a daughter.  Maybe I will be, or will be the best MIL ever.   Being a mother to sons, it's its own kind of special, and maybe not that different mothering a daughter as well, maybe I'm the only one who makes that distinction in my mind.

I have been struggling recently with the notion of no more babies added to our family.  I feel I'm at my limit of physical and emotional capabilities in balancing the 4 boys, yet feel as if one more has to be.  I'm also left wondering if a fifth is a boy, if I'll still always feel as if one more needs to be.  So this is where I'm at.  At the verge of moving on, yet don't feel ready to.  Stagnant, and if I have time to dwell on it, it can consume me yet again.

So I take this day, not to lament, but to rejoice in the female relationships I am blessed with in my life. 

My mother, the glue that holds me together. 

My SILs I've been blessed with. 

One  who I call on practically a daily basis now that I have the free time to do so, who gets where I'm at because we're both in the same stage. 

One who has been there for us in some of our most urgently needed times.  Both were in our wedding, both are godmothers to at least one of the boys.

My MIL who is about the best MIL anyone could ask for, regardless of her overly invasive cleaning tendencies, I'm even at the point of asking for 'Mom' when my FIL answers their phone, not that I can directly call it to her face, but she's as close as.

My BFF since high school.  I can shoot her a message any time of day and she is one of the most caring people I've known.  Regardless of the situation or emotions, she's been the wind beneath my wings when I'm falling at times.  Also one of the boys' godmother.

It's these woman in my life who make me realize I'm not alone and never will be regardless of how many boys enter my life, they are there to balance it out, and today I celebrate them.

We Survived

Little lump went to preschool today for the first time.

He had fully prepped me that he was going to cry and watch me leave him behind.

Which is what happened.

He surprised me, he ate his breakfast while telling me he didn't want to go, got dressed somewhat willingly while telling me he would miss me, got in the car saying he didn't want to go.  He crossed the road with me and walked by himself carrying his show and tell choice - his treasure chest full of piratey things.  He went down the steps and up the ramp to the front door. I had imagined this scenario differently, as in trying to drag AJ and EJP to the school, gladly this wasn't the case.  He went right in.

He would not pick out his name key necklace or let the sweet old lady of a teacher put it on him, so I put it on him.  He wouldn't pack away his bag in his cubby either, I had to.  He did, however, run right off to play with the awesome toys, first to the wooden train set and whole bin of trains, to a barn, to mega blocks, foam blocks, found a huge plastic green tractor and wagon, back to the blocks.  Then had to pee, so we went and found the bathroom yet he couldn't go. 

Then it was about time for me to leave him behind.  He teared up and was wiping his eyes, following me away.  I played with the blocks with him for a second, but knew it best not to linger. 

I pointed out the teacher to him and explained she would stay and take care of him.  She saw my approach and left the group of parents she was talking to and came over to him.  I told her I was just going to do it and I walked away.  He started to follow crying and she led him away.  I didn't look back.

Suckiest thing ever to do as a parent thus far.  It goes against the parenting instinct to fix your child when they are upset.

I went home feeling like a jerk and imagined him crying and beside himself the whole time.

I get back there early and wait at the top of the stairs listening through the closed door. They are all a-chatter but I know not one of those is mine.  I think I hear crying.  Awful suspense waiting outside that door, I want him to see my face immediately to have the relief that I'm there.

So out they came in a line, and I see him, he sees me, comes up the stairs and waits with the group, but telling me he didn't know I was there that he didn't hear me come.  He looks fine.  Blends right in with the rest.  Not crying.  Relief!

Then the teacher tells me - after the kids are gone, I need a word with you, it was a long day...

Oh gawd, what. I figured...

She just informs me that he and another boy cried the most, but not too much.  That he didn't want to pick up when free play was over so he got put in the time out chair, but that he was happy in the time out chair to watch everyone and get a feel for his surroundings away from it all.  She kept asking him if he was ready to come out of time out and he kept saying no.  But did fine the rest of the day, apart from the fact that he did not want to share his item during show and tell, which doesn't surprise me at all.  He was attentive, listened, and wasn't disruptive at all.  She says, 'he'll get it'

Now that is a relief.  That is nothing compared to how I imagined it would go.  And it is definite reinforcement to me that this is the school and program he was meant to attend.  That the teacher singled me out to let me know how he did that specifically about his day and that he did that well on day 1, this is the right path.

Whew!!! WHEW!

We made it, we survived.

Day 1!

I asked if he liked it, he said 'yes!' I asked, not thinking, if he wants to go again - 'No'

:P

He gave me a nice tight squeeze and told me he missed me.  Gosh I'm so happy for my little lump.  He did it!

First Day Jitters

I'll just start this post by stating the obvious...ST is a worrier.  In fact, we read the book 'Wemberly Worried' the night before the first day of school.  It may as well be a book about him. 

Worrying if he'll forget where his classroom is, mind you, we just visited to drop off supplies 4 days before the first day so he wouldn't worry. 
Worried he'd be on a different bus. 
Worried that he'd have gym the first day and they would do 'karaoke' that he couldn't keep up with.
Does JJ's sneakers need batteries?
Listing specifically what he wants for lunch.
Rehearsing the directions to his classroom.
Reminding JJ that he's in a different school.
Worried that I wouldn't remember to get them off the bus.

His stomach was in knots and he was doubled over as the bus appeared.  He told JJ that he was lucky since he's just excited and not worried.

And JJ was.  All smiles, first to get dressed, exclaiming "I'm going to make new friends!" Running to board the bus.

AJ who doesn't start preschool for a few days - which will warrant it's own post I bet - was busy chasing a chipmunk and flicking at his toy rubber bat he hung on the lamppost, which was good because it helped distract ST from worrying - brothers come in handy sometimes.  And EJP just wanted to keep wandering toward the road.

When ST was worried I wouldn't remember to be out at the end of our driveway waiting for him upon returning home, I explained it to him like this...
each of the boys is a piece of my heart, so four pieces.  So him and JJ are half of my heart, now how could I forget when I'm waiting for half of my heart to come back to me.

That he understood and told me that me and Daddy are his 2 halves of his heart.

I teared up watching the bus drive away, with half of my heart sitting inside.

Wind Beneath My Wings

Let me just start by saying how very much I love and truly enjoy each of my boys.  Each of them are so different and special and it is a true gift watching them unfold as they grow.

As a parent, each day is filled with tedious chores and pretty much endless serving of others.  You almost get lost in it really.  But there are those days, those moments, when the kids take your breath away and you feel like you are seeing God through them. 

I just had one of those days.  The ones I live for.  The day I feel the full rewards of having all of my boys.

We took them to the county fair two days ago.

First off, let me remind you, that when JJ was a toddler/preschooler, he was at the point he'd look through everyone who wasn't me, was nonverbal, and only I could console/communicate with him pretty much.  It was hard, but now, I barely can recall just what everyday life was like back then.

But when the carny asked him to put out his arm to get a wristband onto him, and he takes a seat beside the person, all of us had a good chuckle at how cute and genuine his heart is.

So each kid has their preferred fair rides.  ST would go down the super slide a dozen times if we allowed him and definitely the Eurobungy $7 a pop trampoline jump thing.  AJ prefers trains and any ride that just goes around in a non jostling type circle. JJ however, apparently has no fear.  He'll do any ride his brothers want, plus wants to hit up the ferris wheel and swings.

Heights I have a problem with, so does hubby.  So when JJ asked to go on the ferris wheel, hubby was the first to back out.  I thought, 'oh crap' the ferris wheel and I don't have a great history, but I would do about anything for my kids, so I repeatedly asked JJ if he was sure he wanted to ride it.  Of course he was sure.

So my stomach is in knots but we board the ride anyway.  As we go up, I feel the anxiety building, but I lock on to his face.  He is glowing in amazement.  Looking out at the world.  With joy.  And love.  So I shut off my fears and sit there feeling the joy with him.  Watching him just live.  After a while, I start looking out at the world enjoying the best view ever.

This child is fearless.  He just takes life as it comes and enjoys it.  This child gives me wings to fly with him.

It was much more than a Ferris Wheel ride that day and I appreciate that moment, that gift from God.

After we were done with the rides, we took the boys to the cattle barn, thinking AJ would be in amazement at the cows, but it ended up being JJ again who fully enjoyed the experience.  At one point, he sat on a bale of hay next to a calf and sat there caressing it's head, rubbing it's face, playing with it's ears.  In that moment, the world stopped.  It was just JJ and that calf, and his heart was shining out as bright as the sun, I stood there in awe, filled with love and soaking in the beauty that is JJ's soul.

oh my gawd that's a break!

The inevitable happened, with 4 boys, I guess it was just a matter of time...

JJ broke his arm.

I made the genius suggestion to get out the slip n slide.  It was 90 degrees and I was trying to persuade ST to stop with the video games and get outside to enjoy the weather.

AJ was in the front yard in the kiddie pool playing with his boats. I set up the slide, got the water running and soaped up the surface, and they started hurling themselves down the track at a dead run as they always do.  I let ST and JJ have at it and I went back around the house to keep an eye on AJ.  EJP was napping.

Just a minute later, JJ comes yelling at the top of his lungs 'Ow ow ow!'  Worst vision I've ever had in my life, him yelling, running along holding his arm and I could see it dangling and flopping as he ran toward me.  I knew.  Hubby who was right there working on our vehicle, came running at the same time yelling 'Call someone NOW."

I dropped the phone and sand bucket I had in my hand to go grab a towel to wrap it up, and when I came back out, I couldn't find where I had left the phone, I was swirling in circles, freaking out, hubby yelling at me, JJ crying.  Found the phone, called 911.

Mommy mode took over.  I held his arm and talked to him.  Reassuring him, he cried a bit, but I let him know help was on the way and it was okay.  That he was okay.  I told him to listen for the ambulance sirens and he quieted down and never cried again.  ST grabbed me supplies as I asked him to...socks, shoes & JJ's clothes, a drink.  He was awesome. 

The ambulance came quickly.  Just by one look and splinting his arm, instead of going to the local hospital of our choice, the driver said we're going to the bigger hospital an hour and a half away.  I kind of panicked.  We had one vehicle apart, another I'm not sure would make it there and back and the fact that we didn't even know how to get there.  I told hubby to call his sister, get a ride when he could, I was going with JJ.  I told ST and AJ that I was going with JJ and wasn't sure how long we'd be gone, but that everything was okay.

Hubby had called our parents and they were there immediately to take care of the kids for us.

And away JJ and I went.  I leaned forward and strained against my seatbelt for the majority of the ride so that I could stay as close to him and maintain eye contact and reassure him.  I rubbed his little hand and caressed his forehead.  I don't know how I felt about the whole thing as it happened, but I know he saw the rock in my eyes that he needed to see.  The security that he was okay.  He sucked in his lip and scowled and didn't answer questions or talk, but eventually fell asleep on our way.

We arrived and the paramedics carried him into a room to get a weight check as I was handling the insurance stuff.  Got him set up in a room and a bunch of people were in and out doing the same stethoscope listening and taking a peek at his arm.  He was calm and quiet.

I felt like an ass when they asked how he fell because I didn't see it and it was my idea.  But ST had been right there and at first thought, said he thought he had just gotten stung by a bee or something.

In came a child life specialist who explained every single thing to him that was happening, she helped him through getting an IV which took 2 tries and he watched the whole process with minimal reaction just because he liked the vibrating bug toy that they put against his hand as they worked.  They administered morphine and it was the first time I saw his personality normalize, he was smiling, be it goofy and awkward, but I was relieved he wasn't so distracted and blocked by the pain.  They wheeled him into xray and I stood outside the door on pins and needles hoping he wasn't afraid without me there.  When he came out of the room, he was more serious than before going in, but by then coming back to the ER room, we found Aunt W. and Daddy there and he put on his goofy drugged out grin and continued on watching Cars2.

Xrays came back, he fractured both forearm bones completely but he didn't need surgery.  They administered Zofran to help with nausea and a dissociative drug Ketamine as they explained would be like 'lights are on but no one's home'.  They explained side effects and complications which was super scary.  We left the room so they could drug him up and reset the bones and cast him.  It didn't take long and when we went back in, although I knew he'd be groggy, I found him completely sedated and on oxygen.  He had wires on his finger, chest, a blood pressure cuff, and the nasal cannula.  It would have been horrific but I knew he was okay. 

He took a long long time coming out of the haze.  His eyes would get huge and he would look at me but look like he didn't see me, his eyes were jumping back and forth very quickly, his body limp.  Every now and then he'd shake his head yes to answer a question.  His blood pressure was high and he just kept going back to sleep.  They were trying to get him to eat a popsicle and asking him what color he wanted.  Red? Purple?  Blue?.....he paused a while then said slowly...."Broooown"  I had to laugh.  He wanted a chocolate one, he was in there and a little more together than I thought.  I got him to sip water, but once they sat him up he looked like he would be sick.  Back to bed a while.  It was rough.

I think we sat longer in the waiting room afterward waiting for a cd of his xray images than we did the entire stay in the ER.  The ride home was uneventful thanks very much to Aunt W.  But upon getting him out of the car at around 12:45 am as he slept, he started sobbing.  It broke my heart, I think by that point it was more a half awake, trauma, exhausted type of being upset.  That was the low point. 

ST had stayed up way past bedtime to see JJ come home and that he was okay.  He went promptly to bed as did all of us.  JJ settled down with some leg rubbing and stayed asleep all night.  First thing AJ asked in the morning was, 'Where is JJ?" 

They may fight like mortal enemies, but when something like this happens, you see the real bond of brothers. Instead of being outside playing, they are staying inside with JJ watching movies and playing games with him.

I had been having a rough time emotionally over things in life that I didn't have, but this is just another one of those wake up calls that remind me of what I do have.

A Funny Place

I'm at an odd place.  Like one step between having babies and being done with babies.  I just don't know what I want. 

I think about it everyday.  I could go either way.  My heart wants another baby.  I think my heart will always want another baby.  To snuggle that baby, to have their heart beating against mine, to feel their warmth, smell their fuzzy head.  Even now with EJP, I get that calm peace anytime I get to cuddle him close.  There is nothing greater and I can't imagine not having that in my life.  It's like a rock to me.  When my mom was sick and we weren't sure she would survive, the only thing that kept me from having a full on panic attack, was the anchor that was EJP.  Breastfeeding him, nuzzled into me, I could feel his weight, his warmth, against me, and it was all that kept me holding on.  It was a scary feeling, but it was then that I knew in my heart how very much I needed him in that moment.

Then there's the practical part of my head. I was really thinking about what it was like being pregnant and giving birth and really reliving the experiences.  Gosh no! The nausea, constant weight gain, utter exhaustion, pains, basically not being able to do anything by the end, feeling like a ton of bricks.  And then the labor and deliveries.  I've had my share of that.  It really feels like a near death experience every time and I really wouldn't want to do that all again.  I got the experience I had wanted, or a combination between all 4 times and 4 healthy babies.  The more kids I have, the harder it is for my body to recover.  I can't nap.  I can't just sit still.  At this point, I just want to live and enjoy my babies.  My body has taken enough abuse over the last 8 years, it's just now getting back to a new normal.

I have come full circle.  We had a pattern going - got pregnant the first time in Fall that led to my Summer baby...got pregnant the second time in Summer that led to a Spring baby...third time was pregnant in Spring that led to my Winter baby, then the fourth was pregnant in Winter to have my Fall baby!

We've got all 4 seasons, went around in a circle, back to where we began, which is how I felt the whole time pregnant and after I delivered EJP, that he rounded us out and completed me in a way I sorely needed.

But here I am, with this feeling, not hopeless, but more like hopeful, like we're leaving the ending hanging in a good book.  That there is possibility still that we haven't written "THE END" yet.

Are we done growing our family...probably...especially if it was up to Daddy for sure, but still I'm left with this feeling that someone will join our family.  The future isn't etched in stone though, so I don't know, it could go either way at this point, I just feel very excited about it.