The other day I had been chasing the boys outside and they just live on it. I stopped, out of breath and energy. ST suggested we do hide and seek. I made the excuse, just where can I hide to not be found. He said something profound for a 7 year old. He said, "Mom, it's not about winning. It's about having fun together."
It must be sinking in. Every birthday and thing we do as a family, I try to reinforce that it's about enjoying the moments we have together. And in that moment, he got it.
I didn't know if I should write this in this blog or the gender disappointment blog, but I figured it didn't matter, I'm trying to cut that one loose because it seems to stem off the bad instead of the uplifting.
Each child has been their own unexpected gift to me - ST showed me what it was to love someone so much it made me cry, such a powerful thing, JJ gave me pure joy but also the struggles he faces has shown me to celebrate every little accomplishment and moment, to not take anything for granted, AJ has brought wonder and curiosity, fun, and EJP has given me completeness, I'm whole with him in my arms, in the way I had hoped to feel, assuming I needed a daughter to feel that way, not that I don't still long for a little girl of my own, but for now, what I have, is enough. Each have their own beautiful attributes mixed together to bring such beauty to this world.
This morning, I've also come to another realization. Imagining if I had gotten my daughter first, not only would I not have had all 4 of these beautiful boys in my life, but I think I wouldn't have been the person I am today. I would not have found such beauty in this life. As it is now, I'm searching for the positives and the beauty because I need that in my life. Finding the good and the reason for getting something other than what I had envisioned. If I would have had a daughter, I would've thought that it's just because I wanted one so badly and deserved her, but also taken that for granted. Taken everything for granted. I thought that I couldn't share myself with my sons, but I find myself getting every bit of that part of mothering as well, regardless of gender. For instance, we just had JJ's birthday pass. We had cardboard cars cut out and painted for his Cars theme, an awesome cake I make that looked just like Lightning McQueen so much, I didn't want to cut it. I get to be me, for them, and for me. I get it all. And I love it.
Over a month ago, we almost lost my mother. I don't think I will ever again take for granted how precious life is, ever. However, just the other night, I felt myself falling into the trap of longing for what I do not have in my life. But I went outside and followed my boys around the yard snapping pictures to my heart's content. I saw such beauty and felt such joy in doing that. I came back inside going through the pictures and realized, this world can drag me down and I could let myself get eaten up by wishing for something I didn't get, but instead, these boys have given me such joy, and they will be the ones to sustain me. Life is not as I had pictured it, but in this new life, this better life, I'm the person I would rather be. One that can fully appreciate excited words streaming out from the birthday boy the moment he awakes on his special day. One that gets giddy watching 4 boys chasing a remote control car knowing how precious that moment is. That we are all here, together, healthy, happy. There is no greater gift.
And I find myself surprised that this life is enough. Well, more than enough, and that I think I'd prefer this life over the one where I got everything I had hoped for so easily. There is such beauty here and I can see it with unclouded vision - maybe for the first time ever. Thank you God for placing me here where I am. Thank You for today.
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